the year of cooking.

I'm not really into New Years resolutions, but I do generally try to identify if there is an area of my life I would like to work on during the next year. Some may call that a New Years resolution, but whatever. That's too much pressure.

So last year I decided I wanted to exercise more and Voila, I'm running a marathon in April. Exercise goal...check. This year, my focus is cooking. I realized how much I eat out and in opposition how much I enjoy cooking when I actually do take the time to do it. Also, I bought this cookbook, 'The Smitten Kitchen Cookbook' for my mom for Christmas. As I looked through it, I realized how 'do-able' those recipes are and that they all sounded like foods I would eat. There it is. Goal for 2013.

Part of my lack of cooking has always fallen on my excuse that it's hard to cook for only one person. I blame things like not wanting to eat the same thing all week or it spiraling me into a dark depression that I have no one to share this food with. Alas, I no longer feel I can use these excuses and am discarding them as irrelevant.

2013 will be the year of cooking for me. So bring on the cookbooks, blenders, and randomly needed ingredients. Hopefully by this time next year I'll be as satisfied with my progress as I am in the exercise arena from last year.

for granny.

Granny,

I’m not sure which words to say first. Should I first tell you that I love you, I’ll miss you, and can’t believe you’re gone? Or should I tell you all the things that I loved about you and what made you so very special to me. I guess I can do both.

First, I love you with my whole heart. You were such a sweet spirit and constant presence of love, gentleness, and good humor. How lucky am I that I got to call you my grandmother? I will miss you immensely and so desperately wish that I’d had the chance to tell you how much I love you one more time or had the chance to tell you goodbye. I really can’t believe that you’re gone and was in no way prepared for a world of mine in which you do not exist. A comfort to me comes in knowing that you most likely were in no pain and that you are most certainly in a place with no pain now. 

You were my granny. You were there, present, consistent, loving, and ever so thoughtful toward your family and your grandkids. What a blessing you were to so many people. There were so many things you did so well, but one of my favorite attributes of yours was your ability to make some incredible food. You know that your meatloaf, banana split cake, and macaroni and cheese have always been favorites of mine. In your honor, I’m going to do my best to make the banana split cake this year at Christmas. It won’t be as good as yours, but then nobody’s would be. 

I loved your Christmas bags that you sewed yourself. It was always so much fun opening gifts at your house out of those. I loved the plastic apple full of jellybeans that was always full and ready to feed us a treat when we were at your house. I loved that you called your freezer an ice box still and the way you giggled when you thought you had been mischievous about something. I love the rolling chairs at your kitchen table and the fact that your trashcan was always a brown paper sack under your sink. I loved our tradition that I would always ring your doorbell over and over again until you answered your door. Looking back, I imagine that was rather annoying, but you never let on. You just answered the door with a big smile every time and always with the greeting, “Hi, hon.” I loved watching the Cowboys and Rangers with you and always being entertained by how invested in the games and players you would get. I love that you have had the same blue couch for literally as long as I can remember and the green astroturf on your front porch. 

I love the smell of rose soap because it always makes me think of you. Some of my earliest memories of spending the night at your house have that smell tied to them. What a wonderful reminder of you that smell will always be. I also love how much you loved Jesus. Thank you for that and for talking about it with me. 

Granny, I love you. I will miss you so much and am so sad that you are gone. I’m sad that you won’t get the chance to see me get married or have my own kids and that those people in my life won’t have had the chance to know you, but I am thankful that these first 28 years of mine had you in them. What a special woman you were.

With great love and affection,

Jessica

come on in.

One of the things I am learning that I find pretty valuable in relationships with people is actually a relatively simple thing. I don’t need people to be super entertaining, make the wittiest comments, or be the smartest. I don’t care one bit who is the coolest, has the most expensive things, or is the most socially connected. There is one quality that seems to stand out above the rest for me: presence. 

When someone is able to be present and consistent, that is a truly valuable quality to me. Some of my very favorite people are those that I know I can trust to do what they say they are going to do. That’s not to say that this is a rigid expectation of others always sticking with some original plan, but more a general reliability factor that can be expected. To use a technical term, I’m referring to what could be called “non-flakiness.”

This quality of presence doesn’t have to look very extravagant either. You don’t need to be present with me at a cool concert, event, or always doing some exciting activity. For me, presence actually means more in the everyday, routine things of life. Contrary to popular belief about single people, I would actually love to run errands with you and your kids. I would love to sit in the same room and read with you. I would love to clean up your kitchen if you let me eat dinner at your house. 

When people open their doors and their hearts and allow you to be a part of their everyday lives, that is the true presence that I feel is the most significant. It is significant because these are the moments that life is woven of, these everyday, routine, patterned times of life. It is significant because these are also the moments that are really easy to just let pass by and not include others in. But I tend to think these times are a gift because the people you can include in these moments of your life are the people you know are “your people.” These are the people that you know are in this thing with you because they’re willing to run to the grocery store with you or to go have your car inspected...just because. 

So for me, some of the best words are not, “Oh yeah, let’s get together soon” from someone that is all about a full social calendar or with people that may be really interesting but I know may cancel at any minute. The best words for me really are these familiar ones: “The door’s open. Come on in when you get here.”

the attempt.

Well, it has been about 6 months since my last blog post and after scanning back over my blog as a whole, I recognize the great sporadic-ness with which I write. This is about to change. 

I had coffee with my wonderful friend Steve this week and he has challenged me to write more and more regularly. I have committed to him to try and write 2 blogs a week, and he the same, and we will help hold one another accountable to this. I’m feeling rather shaky about my ability to hold down my end of this deal, but I’m going to do my very best to make the most concerted effort I can. 

For me, writing has always been a whimsy thing. I am not disciplined, not structured, and am on no real schedule. It has purely been something that I have used as a creative outlet when I needed a place to express myself. But what I’m finding and what I hear from friends who are real writers, like Steve, is that if you are serious about writing it can’t just be on a whim. If that’s how you write, you’ll never get any better and you won’t be able to pursue writing on any sort of grander scale.  

Blogs are great and a wonderful avenue to express our feelings and thoughts in a public way, but I have always had hopes of writing on a bigger scale. I would love to write a book or do some sort of writing that could be published. That is going to take discipline though and so here is my attempt at moving in that direction. This is my effort to see what happens, both internally and in my writing, if I begin to make it a habit of sorts. 

This is my attempt. Feel free to hold me accountable. 

welcome back, christy nockels.

Today is the day. Christy's new album released and with great anticipation, I sat on my bed and let this new collection of songs begin to unfold softly. Very quickly, as I sat alone in my room, I had tears streaming down my face and felt my heart come to rest. I was swept away and transported to the memories of the early moments of God's sweet grace and mercy in my life. All within the first moments of this woman's voice.

If you've known me long, you've heard me talk in some capacity about Christy Nockels, her voice, her music, and the influence she has had in my life. Her voice, by the Lord's providential ordaining, is the vehicle that consistently has proven to most effectively move my heart into worship. And this album is no exception. With lyrics that are reminiscent of her earlier Watermark songs and the powerful choruses that she has been developing over the years, these songs are nourishing my soul in a way that it needed desperately.

Some lines that have stood out and are already weaving refreshment into my heart:

"So with my arms stretched out, I’m swaying to Your heartbeat. I’m growing with the sound of Your voice calling. You’re bringing out the beauty that You have put in me. For Your joy and for Your glory falling." - For Your Splendor


"Have you ever let yourself be loved by the one who made You. Have you ever told your soul to believe that His heart is on your side. You could even try to run away. But there's nothing you can do. Just be loved. Be loved. He loves you. Just be loved. Be loved. He loves you." - Be Loved


"Our God, You are here, and in Your power You move. The faith in our hearts is how we welcome You. The joy in our lives is Your love breaking through. Your love is moving, moving among us." - Your Love is Moving 


"Walking through this life without Your freedom in my heart. Is like holding onto shackles that You have torn apart. So remind me of Your promises. And all that You have done. In this world I will have trouble. But You have overcome. And every gift that I receive. You determine just for me." - Already All I Need 


Father, thank you for loving us the way You do and for providing good gifts to Your children. These songs were certainly a gift today and in this season. Thank you for providing Christy's voice as a shadow of the greatness and beauty that You are. 

a new season.

it's been another long season since my last blog and quite honestly, it's just been a busy time. i find when i feel really busy in life, often it is hard to sit and create original thoughts or even write down the events that are occurring.

to add to that, i found myself in a season where i never felt like i was able to completely rest. i didn't feel at home in the place i was living, a relationship ended that i thought was for the long-haul, and it made it hard to ever feel like i could just relax. i don't think i have realized how difficult those months were until looking back on them now.

and while those days were often exhausting, i feel as though a new season has been shifted into and a renewal has begun to occur within me. the catalyst: i moved last weekend into a home and into a neighborhood. this is a transition i was so ready for. i got out of a noisy and cold apartment and moved into a place where i can settle a bit. where families play outside. where there is quiet instead of beer cans laying in the hall outside my front door. what an incredible change and amazing blessing.

the place you live has an effect on you in a way that i was completely unaware of until recently. your home, the place that is your respite from the world, has the profound ability to create rest and peace or continue to further the stress that daily living can often perpetuate. this was a new realization for me and after a season of living in a location where i never felt able to truly rest, i am so thankful for this new chapter and season. i'm thanking the Lord for his sweet faithfulness in providing this opportunity, this house, this neighborhood to renew and invigorate my spirit again.

the week before i moved i also made a quick trip to nashville, my heart's home. it had been almost a year since i'd been and i was itching to get there. there is something that happens to me there. i slow down. i breathe deeply. i feel creative. i feel alive in a profound way that i do not in dallas. it is good for me to go there and i pray that one day i will in fact call it home. for now though, dallas is where the Lord has placed and kept me. nevertheless, my trip provided a time to breathe and begin to prepare for this new season. i read, drank coffee, spent time with my sister, and sat in beautiful locations like the one above. that was on the patio of an italian restaurant. enchanting evening. i returned from my trip ready to turn the page of a new chapter.

so here i am in a new house with renewed energy and hopes for what this new season will bring. i pray that it will be a sweet one with times of celebration, joy, peace, and rest. i can't wait to see what the Lord has in store.

colder weather.

one might think that the title of this blog is referring to the crazy snowpocalypse we've had in dallas over the last few weeks, but that would be incorrect. not the crazy snow part. apparently we were living in the north pole for a while there. the incorrect assumption would be in thinking this post is about that. it's not.

rather, the title is in reference to the latest song release from the zac brown band.  the song is entitled 'colder weather' and it has been receiving regular play time on my ever-changing playlist. the harmonies produced by these guys are unmatched...except for maybe by 'the rescues.' see a few posts down for the scoop on them. this song definitely creates the "i'm gonna come out of my skin" sensation that communicates to me that a song is a winner.

enjoy.

p.s. the rescues...their music...or a few bandmates will be appearing on 'glee' next tuesday. you don't want to miss it. you're welcome for the heads up.