Over the last year these are some of the things that occurred. I got a cat. I ran my first marathon in Nashville and then liked it so much I ran my second one in Portland 6 months later. I got trained to practice EMDR at work and then we hosted a training to have everyone in our agency trained. My Granny passed away. I did some of my own therapy. My younger sister got married. I had yet another round of roommates move in. I watched more friends get married and have babies. We had a remodel at work and then we hired 6 new staff and increased our team size to 20 people, the biggest its ever been. I joined Match. I've gone on dates with new people, not a ton of which were very good dates. I SWITCHED churches. I made new friends. Lost touch with some old friends. Even more friends left Dallas. And I started to really examine what I believe about life and about people and about how those things work together.
A realization that comes up upon looking back is that at 6 months from turning 30, my life actually looks nothing like what I thought it would at this point. In some ways, it is much better than what I had expected or planned. In others, my heart and chest well up with pain and sadness at the loneliness that these differences have meant. Reconciling both of those feelings together feels odd and almost impossible, but I have a sneaking suspicion that is actually how life tends to go.
Being half a year from 30 and single for someone who has always desperately wanted a family of her own continues to be a tough pill to swallow. I hear all the time, "But you're actually so young! You've still got plenty of time!" There was a time in my life when those sentiments have been helpful. That time is no more. When your best friends started getting married when you were 21 and you've been a bridesmaid now 9 times, you start to lose hope in that sentiment. Please pardon the bitter...it sneaks out sometimes.It's not all hard though and in some ways this has been my best year yet. I feel like I have learned who my true friends are and that is an invaluable gift. I plan to keep running which makes me really happy and proud of myself. And I am really proud of the work I do. In a lot of ways, that is the most fulfilling and meaningful part of my life and I absolutely wouldn't trade that. I get to go to work everyday knowing that I get to be the face and voice of safety and acceptance for someone who has known very little of that, sometimes recently but more often throughout their entire life. That makes me proud.
So here's to the next year as this one draws to a close. I feel like I pushed myself in a great many ways during this last year and I hope to do that again. And here's to hoping there will be someone standing beside me at the end of it.
