in retrospect.

Looking back to this point last year, quite a bit has changed since then. Some of these changes have been wonderful and fun and exciting and I have embraced them with every step. Others have been every bit the opposite and I am resigned to say that I have not always managed these instances with as much grace or acceptance.

Over the last year these are some of the things that occurred. I got a cat. I ran my first marathon in Nashville and then liked it so much I ran my second one in Portland 6 months later. I got trained to practice EMDR at work and then we hosted a training to have everyone in our agency trained. My Granny passed away. I did some of my own therapy. My younger sister got married. I had yet another round of roommates move in. I watched more friends get married and have babies. We had a remodel at work and then we hired 6 new staff and increased our team size to 20 people, the biggest its ever been. I joined Match. I've gone on dates with new people, not a ton of which were very good dates. I SWITCHED churches. I made new friends. Lost touch with some old friends. Even more friends left Dallas. And I started to really examine what I believe about life and about people and about how those things work together.

A realization that comes up upon looking back is that at 6 months from turning 30, my life actually looks nothing like what I thought it would at this point. In some ways, it is much better than what I had expected or planned. In others, my heart and chest well up with pain and sadness at the loneliness that these differences have meant. Reconciling both of those feelings together feels odd and almost impossible, but I have a sneaking suspicion that is actually how life tends to go.

Being half a year from 30 and single for someone who has always desperately wanted a family of her own continues to be a tough pill to swallow. I hear all the time, "But you're actually so young! You've still got plenty of time!" There was a time in my life when those sentiments have been helpful. That time is no more. When your best friends started getting married when you were 21 and you've been a bridesmaid now 9 times, you start to lose hope in that sentiment. Please pardon the bitter...it sneaks out sometimes.

It's not all hard though and in some ways this has been my best year yet. I feel like I have learned who my true friends are and that is an invaluable gift. I plan to keep running which makes me really happy and proud of myself. And I am really proud of the work I do. In a lot of ways, that is the most fulfilling and meaningful part of my life and I absolutely wouldn't trade that. I get to go to work everyday knowing that I get to be the face and voice of safety and acceptance for someone who has known very little of that, sometimes recently but more often throughout their entire life. That makes me proud.

So here's to the next year as this one draws to a close. I feel like I pushed myself in a great many ways during this last year and I hope to do that again. And here's to hoping there will be someone standing beside me at the end of it.

a new review: bread & wine

Folks, you all know my love for the writing of Shauna Niequist. Her books and words and sentences are one of the things that most refreshes my soul. And, having had the opportunity to spend time with Shauna herself, these words and sentences that she writes could not be any more authentic to the person that she actually is, so naturally this makes her written words all the more powerful.

I have been given the great privilege to read and review her latest book, 'Bread & Wine: A Love Letter to Life Around the Table with Recipes.'

Three words: I loved it.

But seriously, was there a chance I wouldn't? Shauna does what she does best by interweaving her own experiences and honest insights while drawing broader conclusions about life, all the while in this go-round including recipes that tie into these experiences. As the title would suggest, many of the stories Shauna chooses to share are centered around the table, a place she calls "the place where the doing stops, the trying stops, the masks are removed, and we allow ourselves to be nourished, like children."Shauna recounts all the people, places, and ways she has fed people through the years and how each of these encounters felt significant in its own way.

One of the ideas that Shauna promotes in 'B&W' is to start where you are, the idea that you don't have to be the perfect hostess or an accomplished chef to have the people you love over and to feed them. The key is creating a space where people feel welcomed, at home, and safe to be themselves. She describes this, saying, "I wanted cars parked all the way down the street, and people who came in without knocking, so familiar with our home that they mixed their own drinks and knew where to put the dishes after drying them." This is the thing about life around the table, it's familiar. And those faces are family.

Another theme that was very prominent throughout 'B&W' was the pervasiveness and power of shame. This theme continued to pop up over and over again and it was one of the most helpful and freeing things about this book because of Shauna's trademark honesty. These are the kinds of things she says about shame: "It whispers to us that everyone is as obsessed with our failings as we are." "Shames tells us that we're wrong for having the audacity to be happy when we're so clearly terrible. Shame wants us to be deeply apologetic for just daring to exist." To know that someone else has felt this way, that I am not the only one, was a profound thing to read and it is there because Shauna dared to be honest.

The importance of being present with people, both around the table and just in general, was another idea that was touched upon over and over again, almost methodically. It would seem, in fact, that this very idea of being present with people, is the whole point of this book and in many ways the point in Shauna's other books as well. I think that may be what I love most about her writing. She values people and relationships and the experiences in life, like sharing a meal, that make us slow down and really focus on what really matters: each other. She talks about her friends from her former house church, seemingly her dearest friends, and says this of them, "They were our people, our stand-in family, our truth tellers, our problem solvers, our middle of the night phone calls and unannounced stopovers." I LOVE this. It made me stop and think, "Who are these people in my life?" And I knew immediately. And I even called one of them and thanked them right then for being this kind of person in my life. These kinds of relationships ought to be celebrated, cultivated, and sought out. And Shauna's book encourages all these things.

Another fun bonus of this book is that at the end of each vignette, a recipe is included that corresponds with that story. I have made the Farmers Market Potato Salad: delicious.  The way Shauna talks about food will make you hungry, so I suggest reading with a snack.

I loved this book and I think you will too. It will be released in April and you can pre-order on Amazon now.

Here you go: http://www.amazon.com/Bread-Wine-Finding-Community-Around/dp/0310328179/

You should do that. I promise, you will thank me when you're finished. And while you're at it, you should read her other two books as well. They are 'Cold Tangerines' and 'Bittersweet'. Also, you can read more from Shauna on her blog here: www.shaunaniequist.com.

the year of cooking.

I'm not really into New Years resolutions, but I do generally try to identify if there is an area of my life I would like to work on during the next year. Some may call that a New Years resolution, but whatever. That's too much pressure.

So last year I decided I wanted to exercise more and Voila, I'm running a marathon in April. Exercise goal...check. This year, my focus is cooking. I realized how much I eat out and in opposition how much I enjoy cooking when I actually do take the time to do it. Also, I bought this cookbook, 'The Smitten Kitchen Cookbook' for my mom for Christmas. As I looked through it, I realized how 'do-able' those recipes are and that they all sounded like foods I would eat. There it is. Goal for 2013.

Part of my lack of cooking has always fallen on my excuse that it's hard to cook for only one person. I blame things like not wanting to eat the same thing all week or it spiraling me into a dark depression that I have no one to share this food with. Alas, I no longer feel I can use these excuses and am discarding them as irrelevant.

2013 will be the year of cooking for me. So bring on the cookbooks, blenders, and randomly needed ingredients. Hopefully by this time next year I'll be as satisfied with my progress as I am in the exercise arena from last year.