for granny.

Granny,

I’m not sure which words to say first. Should I first tell you that I love you, I’ll miss you, and can’t believe you’re gone? Or should I tell you all the things that I loved about you and what made you so very special to me. I guess I can do both.

First, I love you with my whole heart. You were such a sweet spirit and constant presence of love, gentleness, and good humor. How lucky am I that I got to call you my grandmother? I will miss you immensely and so desperately wish that I’d had the chance to tell you how much I love you one more time or had the chance to tell you goodbye. I really can’t believe that you’re gone and was in no way prepared for a world of mine in which you do not exist. A comfort to me comes in knowing that you most likely were in no pain and that you are most certainly in a place with no pain now. 

You were my granny. You were there, present, consistent, loving, and ever so thoughtful toward your family and your grandkids. What a blessing you were to so many people. There were so many things you did so well, but one of my favorite attributes of yours was your ability to make some incredible food. You know that your meatloaf, banana split cake, and macaroni and cheese have always been favorites of mine. In your honor, I’m going to do my best to make the banana split cake this year at Christmas. It won’t be as good as yours, but then nobody’s would be. 

I loved your Christmas bags that you sewed yourself. It was always so much fun opening gifts at your house out of those. I loved the plastic apple full of jellybeans that was always full and ready to feed us a treat when we were at your house. I loved that you called your freezer an ice box still and the way you giggled when you thought you had been mischievous about something. I love the rolling chairs at your kitchen table and the fact that your trashcan was always a brown paper sack under your sink. I loved our tradition that I would always ring your doorbell over and over again until you answered your door. Looking back, I imagine that was rather annoying, but you never let on. You just answered the door with a big smile every time and always with the greeting, “Hi, hon.” I loved watching the Cowboys and Rangers with you and always being entertained by how invested in the games and players you would get. I love that you have had the same blue couch for literally as long as I can remember and the green astroturf on your front porch. 

I love the smell of rose soap because it always makes me think of you. Some of my earliest memories of spending the night at your house have that smell tied to them. What a wonderful reminder of you that smell will always be. I also love how much you loved Jesus. Thank you for that and for talking about it with me. 

Granny, I love you. I will miss you so much and am so sad that you are gone. I’m sad that you won’t get the chance to see me get married or have my own kids and that those people in my life won’t have had the chance to know you, but I am thankful that these first 28 years of mine had you in them. What a special woman you were.

With great love and affection,

Jessica